I struggle to reconcile my expectations of this house, and living here, with the reality we are faced with. I try so very hard not to feel trapped and hopeless about this reality, this situation we were tricked into buying, and which we cannot easily free ourselves from. I feel angry that Fife Council have a postcode lottery regarding the services that deal with this type of issue, and that our postcode is not one of the lucky ones. I feel angry that the boundaries of our home can so easily be invaded without accountability for the trespass.

I hear the platitudes we are so often fed, often from our own minds, about how we should be...

• Rise above it all
• Live in the moment
• Try to be positive
• Live and let live
• You need to relax
• Yadayada bullshit crapcrap

If I could rise above it all, I would put on my Stepfordian fake wings and fly.

Living in the moment is a Nice idea, but the truth is that some moments are black and shitty and ugly. We have to live in those moments too, experience those uncomfortable things that others subject us to, and feel those crappy unpleasant emotions.

How can I be positive about anything when my home is randomly not my own, my sanctuary is invaded by someone else's bad behaviour, my sleep is undisturbed only at the mercy of others? Fuck positive thinking, it is enough that each day I try to hold onto sanity and sometimes succeed. It is enough that I string words together or raise a camera and try to capture my vision of the world - and that my visions of the world are not devoid of beauty. If I'm feeling negative that's just how it is, your discomfort is yours to deal with.

At what point in the live and let live equation do *I* get the freedom to live?

Oh yeah, and you are right - I really fucking do need to relax. That's exactly my point. That's exactly what I am trying to do when I am fast asleep in my bed, or curled up under a blanket reading, or lying flat on the floor trying to meditate. You try doing any of these things when someone is force feeding noise into your private world and come back to me with your results.

The Buzzard soars above me and I watch in awe. I think about the people who see a Buzzard and express disappointment that it is "just a Buzzard" because it is no longer a rarity. I think about how Buzzards are a success story, a species who returned from the brink and I enjoy the spectacle as they paint the wind.

I live in these moments.

I try to believe that walking in the dark only means I can't yet see the path to freedom.

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Rise Above It… and other meaningless advice originally appeared on Taexalia on January 29, 2010.

This was not going to be the first post to introduce my personal Mantras for a Wild.Life, but current events suggest today is the day to walk my talk and be my own cheerleader... All may become clear...

Be Your Own Cheerleader

The thing is that no-one will believe in you unless you believe in yourself. Too many people are not taught this skill when they are young and it is not something that comes naturally to most folk - especially in this modern culture of put-downs and ridicule.

It is not always easy to have a support network around who hold you up even when you are falling down. Quite often the fact you are falling down is a point of leverage to those who view the world as a competitive arena and will happily use your misfortune as a way to prop up their own self-esteem.

You have choices - you can either wallow in victimhood and believe that just because so-and-so laughed at you, ignored you, or otherwise tried to derail you that this means you are worthless... or you can blow your own trumpet and congratulate your own self for your personal achievements.

In the spirit of being my own cheerleader, I am happy to announce that I was nominated for the Scottish Roundup Scotblogs Awards 2010. I would love to collect more than three votes! Even if I don't, I think I have an interesting and unusual blog.

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Mantras for a Wild.Life: Be Your Own Cheerleader originally appeared on Taexalia on January 14, 2010.

Mistle Thrush (Turdus viscivorus) - Amber Status

Yesterday I ramped up the bird feeding opportunities in my garden. This "cold snap", which has brought us our first real winter for as long as I can remember, has brought birds in about who would not normally come so close. At first I thought it was luck, being on the very edge of town, but I have since seen some of these species (Redwing and Fieldfare) near the High Street. The search for food is intense just now, so, in addition to my seed and nut feeders, I chopped up an apple, soaked some dried fruit in a little water to soften it and grabbed some plain porridge oats. I put the food in various spots, all with space around to give the ground birds a clear view of any approaching felines, and then stood at my window to watch.

This is the part I really enjoy, the time after the Human leaves and the garden is deserted but the eyes have seen and the conversation begins.

The Robin came first, always the fearless one, followed by various Tits flitting here and there. It is their energy, movement and chatter which seems to send the message out - once the Tits have begun to dance, the Sparrows follow, Crow sits high in the tree and joins the conversation and the inquisitive zooming begins.

Fieldfare (Turdus pilaris) - Red Status

Great Tit, Blue Tit, House Sparrow, Robin, Blackbird - all the usual suspects. But recently the presence of Mistle Thrush, Redwing and Fieldfare have caused a stir. The Mistle Thrush sends the Blackbirds packing and when the Fieldfare arrive, they are also given short shrift. A Redwing makes a daring dart and snaffles a taster before the Mistle Thrush chases it over the tall privet hedge. It is interesting to observe which birds are allowed to eat - all the small birds are left in peace.

A Blackcap arrives and, for a time, he is left in peace but his increasing attention to the fruit bowl leads to a red card from the Mistle Thrush - who has now placed himself on the telephone wires above the centre of the garden.

I watch, enthralled, as nature plays its game before me and I amuse myself with my thoughts and feelings...

My excitement at the presence of a Mistle Thrush over the last few weeks is clouded as I watch it dominate the garden and chase away some of the other birds I want to see who are also unusual and threatened species. I am intrigued by the way it holds itself - that it seems to just sit there and command respect of its space.

Mistle Thrush (Turdus viscivorus) - Amber Status

As my laughable little feelings respond to a Redwing removal... "hey I put the food out for all of you"... I am reminded of MisssyM's recent post about thank you cards and thoughts about how we are pressured into writing them - as if the gift arrives with conditions attached. I rather liked the way Misssy described this type of behaviour (dominance, controlling) as "nonsense" in the comments.

Of course it is nonsense to put bird food out and then wish to control how it is shared... and when the row of Black-Headed Gulls arrive on the house behind the shed, I smile and wonder if the Mistle Thrush will chase them away too. One swoops in and grabs a piece of apple and then they all seem to decide that moving on is best. Mister Mistle Thrush remains perched and watchful.

Later, I watch as his lady appears and feeds. She is smaller and it is the first time I have seen her. I hope they will stay and breed and make a stand for returning this species to Green Status.

I ponder the dominance energy that I have seen in human situations recently - energy that in wild birds equates to survival, but in humans just seems to create discord. The Mistle Thrush doesn't know I have enough fruit and apples to feed them all... but why do some humans need to control or silence others when there is space for both to be individual...?

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Mistle Thrush and Dominance originally appeared on Taexalia on January 9, 2010.

Happy New Year!

Life has moved on in many ways from this time last year - which is good since my word theme for 2009 was "Movement".

We moved house, moved to a different town and region, moved boxes and boxes and boxes. Then in some ways found ourselves in exactly the same place all over again. Perhaps this time around, the movement will not be us. Cryptic I know, but you never know who is reading... *laughter*

We closed the year having doubled the number of legs in the household. These four new legs ensure regular movement in the form of walking, which is having a great effect on the movement of weight.

Life is good, even if there is a nasty little piece of grit causing irritation within the walls of our cosy shell. Perhaps I could sell the grit to Fife Council, since they appear to have none to put on the pavements of Fife.

Anyway, I intended to start the year on a high without having to think about grit, shit or noise - but I was forced to discover that by 2am Fife Constabulary had racked up 74 incident numbers. Ours made a round 75. Fab, eh?

Funnily enough words like silence, peace, quiet, asbo spring to mind as my word of choice for 2010, but I'd rather choose a word inspired by something more worthy. I'd quite like Fife Council to choose the word integrity, though I suspect they'll need a dictionary for that.

Thinking about where I want my year to go, I realise it's all about making things happen, bringing ideas to fruition, finishing things I started and so I've chosen this word as my theme for 2010:

Manifest

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New Year New Word originally appeared on Taexalia on January 1, 2010.

I could tell by the light glimmering through my curtains that the fog had receded. When I opened the curtains I was prompted to grab the camera. Having the camera in my hand before I've cleaned my teeth bodes well for the day...

We were excited to get out with Logan to see how the world looked, not just to reconnect with the scenery but to assess Jack Frost's decorative skills. We relished the crisp crunch of our footsteps and the knowledge that no-one else had climbed to the high field yet - the frost undisturbed on the steps. Wandering along the ridge we greeted the sunrise and smiled at the bank of fog that still encased Edinburgh and the southern shore of the Firth.

The dank browns of dead undergrowth are given a new chance to dance with Old Jack's paintbrush. Better than any tinsel you can buy... Ubiquitous but wildlife friendly, the ivy spread out on an old wall catches my eyes with the added glamour of tiny ice beads...

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Morning Jack originally appeared on Taexalia on December 13, 2009.

The year creeps slowly toward the shortest day and the worst of the weather is yet to set upon us. The sun rises when solopreneurs may still have the luxury of bed and a duvet - although not the luxury, it must be said, of remote control curtains. The sun sets before many of us are yet ready for the dark, not quite believing the sun could sling itself so low all day without dissolving in the river before us..

There is something magical about the chill in the still air and the way the Firth appears like ice. We walk the sand trying to take in The Teachings of Dog - that life in the moment is rich, fleeting and worthwhile. We try to exhale the past and our breath becomes visible as if the weight we have carried colours the air for a moment.

Later, when the pack has disbanded for another day, the last troopers make it home and find a surprise on the mat. Three inches square of christmas card contains a message of apology and a promise of hope. A small foundation of an unexpected bridge begins to glisten in a tired heart.

Later still, Greyhound inspires a walk before sunset and trust travels with the woman and dog... trust that the nightmares may be over, trust that the sun will shine in more than the sky and trust that dreams are achievable. A lead is unhooked and the hound seems not to notice much but then gently veers to sniff at the undergrowth. The woman strides faster, making distance, projecting calm and then turns to look just as the hound raises his head to see her. One word and he seems to smile from nought to forty-five in the beat of a heart.

It is the first time she has seen him run, the first time she has created this space for him and she can't decide which comes first - anxious panic that he may not stop or a little squeal at the power and speed. Too soon, or just soon enough, he puts on the brakes and slows - but he overshoots just a little and then turns and comes to her and the biscuit seems too plain a reward for it all... at least to her, not the dog.

The sun sinks...

... they return to the Den and a magic begins to stir in her soul.

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Light originally appeared on Taexalia on December 11, 2009.

I love the way I feel when I walk into the Turbine Hall at the Tate Modern. Sometimes I wonder if I even need an installation at the other end, or if I could just be satisfied with the imposing hulk of space. What would I do with the space? How would I move in it? Would I start to build something?

Today there is a big black box looming at the end of the hall. Half-term children are running and screaming underneath the huge steel structure, trusting the construction won't start to creak and bend and collapse. A sign depicts that photography is banned as cameras flash and catch me right in the retina.

We turn and look up the ramp at the black space peppered with the faint shapes of light coloured garments. It reminds me of a puppet show I saw as a child where the performers dressed in black so that only the dragons and crows could be seen against the blackout curtain at the back of the stage.

We walk together up the ramp and into the blackness. I am tickled by the way the box seems to eat the light. I observe my reactions as my senses try to figure out the right course of action... In a city where shoving a tourist is almost polite, where queue jumping is an act of survival and worthy of a category in the next Olympics and where personal space is at a premium - it is interesting to walk into the black box trusting that no-one will barge into you and there is an almost communal feeling as everyone becomes nothing in nothingness.

Then confusion as I guess we are at the wall but I cannot believe that just because everyone else has stopped that I must stop. I need to stretch my arm and feel the solid wall before I can turn and look at the light. I find myself wishing it was bigger, longer, blacker.

Miroslaw Balka - How It Is - Tate Modern

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How It Is originally appeared on Taexalia on October 27, 2009.

I have just received a letter in the post from Fife Council. The sole purpose of the letter is to request that we telephone them. They have our telephone number. Why do Fife Council make claims about being environmentally friendly when they are wasting resources (public money!) in such a ridiculous way?

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Fife Council ~ Failing the Environment originally appeared on Taexalia on October 21, 2009.

A spider has taken up residence on our bathroom window, her web an ideal trap for the autumn midgies who seem to have descended on our garden in recent weeks.

This morning I watched her dart across her web as one poor wee midgie made the mistake of entering our home and trespassing into her territory. Quick, decisive movements saw the beastie caught and immobilised before being parcelled up in a tight noose of silk.

Later, as GemmaDog and the pack wandered near the Lammerlaws, we watched a male Kestrel hovering over some rough ground. Patience was his message as his wings  quivered and his head moved from side to side seeking a movement in the undergrowth. He shifted sideways and then, almost in slow motion, he dipped his head and sank out of sight. A moment or two later, his orange back glinted as he rose again clutching his prey and made off to find a secluded spot to dine.

The hunter and the hunted... craftsmanship, strategy and patience... Messages from the waking dream that suggest a net is closing and an intruder into the web may soon be caught and silenced...

What happens when a Spiny Starfish (Marthasterias glacialis) catches a crab...

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Hunter and Prey originally appeared on Taexalia on October 13, 2009.

• what GemmaDog is thinking

I was going to write a list of things I wish I knew... but I am leaving it at that...

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I wish I knew… originally appeared on Taexalia on October 9, 2009.