"Did you ever think, when you held or looked at a beautiful pearl,
that its origin was irritation? An oyster, in response to the
irritating presence of sand within its shell, creates a thing of
beauty." ~ Thomas F Crum

I thought I had found the pearl birthed from the last piece of grit but it seems that I have just floated on the ebb to a different shore and inherited a new piece of grit. A second strike of lightning.

I want to know what the thing of beauty is that this piece of grit is going to create. I don't want to wait, to fight, to stand up for my rights. I don't want to endure, to learn to relax and cope. I don't want to be told to shut up and do some gardening. The piece of grit has really really sharp edges and is irritating me multiple times a day. It is constant. It is in my shell, in my body mind and emotions and it isn't going to go away.

It interrupts my work flow. It interrupts my sleep. It interrupts my creative flow. It interrupts my dreams. It interrupts the chapter of the book I am reading.

It breaks into my world whether I am doing something mundane like washing the dishes or something constructive like trying to figure out code on my website or something deeper like just trying to meditate.

Funnily enough I feel emotions when this piece of grit makes its presence known, when the people who are meant to clean the grit up fail spectacularly - not all of these emotions are sunshine and daisies. In fact none of them are.

That is all.

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But I *am* Living In The Moment – It is the moment that is the problem originally appeared on Taexalia on October 6, 2009.

I do not feel depressed today.

This is the second time I have been able to write that this week and mean it. I understand that this may only be temporary reprieve since my External Stressor has been absent. I understand that all of the little changes I have been making may not entirely add up to beating depression by themselves if the External Stressor is missing from the experiment. But what it does show is that once I can eliminate the External Stressor completely I have no excuses.

The changes I have been making are small and I am trying to be mindful not to overwhelm myself with a rigourous regime, rather just switching things around and making swaps to try and improve the way I feel, eat, look and perform.

Actually that is not true - one of the changes feels quite massive. I have been building exercise into my day by using my elliptical. For some bizarre reason, in December, I set myself the goal of being able to ellipticate for 30 minutes... and soon enough I broke it. Great. Wonderful. Now I have no excuse for getting on there and staying put til the meter falls to zero. So far I seem to I ellipticate for miles (actually it's kilometers - see #93) but stay in the same place watching the numbers of calories burned rise. I figure they must save themselves up and then one day all flee my body in a mass exodus, either that or my scales are broken.

To be fair, I have lost some weight since the beginning of the year. You see if you decide to lose 95lbs it is not a good idea to deice to do this just before the Yule/Christmas/Hogmanay cycle. You will merely lose weight and then put it back on again as you indulge in all the feasting. As I did. C'mon - I am intending to feel good about all of this so I refuse to sit and nibble on a lettuce when there is Trifle.

I could not bear to change the weight tracking doo da >>> (or indeed refund my two trusty sponsors!)... but I am now back at the 230lb mark as of this morning. A great start - losing weight twice!

I have swapped coffee for actual breakfast - a lovely bowl of porridge. I am now rid of the caffeine cold turkey headache and feeling quite good actually. I have also committed to no wine but I haven't decided what I can replace it with (I am discovering you have to trick your mind into thinking it is getting something) - obviously chocolate is out and celery just isn't as appealing as a bloomimg glass of Merlot...

Another thing I have been doing is taking a Vitamin D supplement every day. I read that taking Vitamin D3 can counteract things like depression and SAD. A non scientific conclusion is that I am feeling that my mind is waking up - as reported by the blogger that I now can't find (oops).

For instance, I have had something to put in my creativity log for every day this week - sometimes more than one thing... And this morning I awoke from some vivid dreaming that I am going to call Story Dreaming. The images and interactions and conversations are just ripe for a novel and I have scribbled five pages longhand just getting the jist of the dream images down. I am logging the words over there >>> in a fabby new widget that Stagwoman discovered.

I do not feel depressed today - let's hope the External Stressor remains absent.

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Baby Steps Are Little Leaps originally appeared on Taexalia on January 8, 2009.

Diets don't work. If they did then millions of women around the world would not be constantly on them, repeatedly. Diets are a way to sell books, charge membership fees and a leg trap that keep women constantly feeling bad about themselves as they strive to achieve the perfect weight and body shape.

I have only once gone on an actual diet. I amazed myself by diligently following the meal plan without cheating. I lost weight. In fact I lost quite a lot of weight and did, in fact, fit into those purple PVC trousers I love.

The problem with the diet was that once the weight was off there wasn't much of a follow through - nowhere for my eating self to go other than back to the patterns she knew before. And what happened then was that more weight piled on as if my body was making sure it would never have to go there again. An added factor in this was a big lifestyle change going from a very active job to easily inactive self-employment.

I've figured out, with the help of some reading, that finding health isn't just about losing weight and that losing weight isn't just about eating less. Unfortunately I've also discovered that stress is a major toxic factor and I have no idea when I will be able to eliminate my specific stressor from my life... so I'm working on all the other things I can do for now. Aside from stress, the five major toxins seem to be:

• cigarettes
• alcohol
• caffeine
• salt
• sugar

So for the last wee while I have been looking at cutting them out. I had a head start because it is several years since I smoked a cigarette I don't add salt to my food and I don't usually eat a lot of processed food or crisps, so I don't think salt is a biggie. I cut sugar out of my coffee weeks ago. I am not even sure why I started putting it in there again - probably as some sort of feel-good treat in a very dark year.

Moving into the new year I have now chopped caffeine out. I haven't had a cup of coffee in 2009. I Googled "quitting coffee" and found some really interesting theories not at all related to weight loss - quitting caffeine actually increases productivity and decreases procrastination. We shall see. Right now I am right on track with the withdrawal symptoms - a minor headachey yuk and a cup of cold herbal tea.

As for alcohol, well the last wee tipple was taken as the bells rang in the new year, but I am not going to lie to you - I like a glass of red wine. I am planning to have one tonight with dinner actually. I figure the wine goes last

So I'm not on a diet and I'm not seeking the perfect body - because if you spend five minutes critically reading the tripe that the media feeds women every day you will discover that there is no such thing as a perfect body. There is simply a constant hounding of women not to look the way they look today, a constant comparison of one woman (body type) with another woman (body type) that simply attacks self-esteem and puts pounds in the pockets of the diet industry. And the chocolate industry.

Of course the biggest challenge is deciding what to do with the small mountain of nutritionally challenged foodstuffs that Santa left behind. Luckily @ is famous for having two mouths.

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I am not on a diet originally appeared on Taexalia on January 3, 2009.

Menstruation SoulCollage Card

I am feeling lethargic today. I have a pile of orders to send out and there are loads of things I could be doing, but so far I am only coping with drinking tea and reading blogs. It's the natural slump after menstruation where I feel like an elastic band pulled taut - I'm doing nothing but I can feel the potential energy burst lurking. Maybe I will ping tomorrow...

I never really speak about my business on this blog - mostly because I think of this space as a place away from work. Being self-employed can mean that some days I feel like everything I do is related to my business. But today I will mention my sister's business because she's onto something worthwhile - and it ties in with my thoughts about menstruation and striving to leave a smaller footprint in our world.

I've been using a mooncup for a couple of years and I recommend it for anyone who wants to bleed without creating excess waste and exposing themselves to a cocktail of chemicals.

Since I've been using one I have found I suffer less cramping, and menstruation is a far more pleasant experience. As well as the cup, there's a re-usable pad that is just the bees knees - soft and comfortable and doesn't end up in the landfill poisoning the planet, or sloshing around coastal areas breeding Hepatitis A and Polio.

I have also been experimenting with using White Willow Bark extract instead of conventional pain-killers and for the most part I feel it is a much better option.

SoulCollage® is the process, developed by Seena B. Frost, of creating a deck of collaged cards from found images—cards that are arranged in suits for the primary purpose of self-exploration and self-acceptance. SoulCollage® cards are made from original purchased art (e.g., art published in magazines, calendars, books, cards, etc.) and personal materials (e.g., photos). SoulCollage cards are not to be sold, traded, or bartered and are to be reproduced only for the personal use of the maker of the card.

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How Green Is Your Bleed? originally appeared on Taexalia on December 29, 2006.