Taexalia

wild.life

Rise Above It… and other meaningless advice

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Buzzard

I struggle to reconcile my expectations of this house, and living here, with the reality we are faced with. I try so very hard not to feel trapped and hopeless about this reality, this situation we were tricked into buying, and which we cannot easily free ourselves from. I feel angry that Fife Council have a postcode lottery regarding the services that deal with this type of issue, and that our postcode is not one of the lucky ones. I feel angry that the boundaries of our home can so easily be invaded without accountability for the trespass.

I hear the platitudes we are so often fed, often from our own minds, about how we should be...

Rise above it all
Live in the moment
Try to be positive
Live and let live
You need to relax
Yadayada bullshit crapcrap

If I could rise above it all, I would put on my Stepfordian fake wings and fly.

Living in the moment is a Nice idea, but the truth is that some moments are black and shitty and ugly. We have to live in those moments too, experience those uncomfortable things that others subject us to, and feel those crappy unpleasant emotions.

How can I be positive about anything when my home is randomly not my own, my sanctuary is invaded by someone else's bad behaviour, my sleep is undisturbed only at the mercy of others? Fuck positive thinking, it is enough that each day I try to hold onto sanity and sometimes succeed. It is enough that I string words together or raise a camera and try to capture my vision of the world - and that my visions of the world are not devoid of beauty. If I'm feeling negative that's just how it is, your discomfort is yours to deal with.

At what point in the live and let live equation do *I* get the freedom to live?

Oh yeah, and you are right - I really fucking do need to relax. That's exactly my point. That's exactly what I am trying to do when I am fast asleep in my bed, or curled up under a blanket reading, or lying flat on the floor trying to meditate. You try doing any of these things when someone is force feeding noise into your private world and come back to me with your results.

The Buzzard soars above me and I watch in awe. I think about the people who see a Buzzard and express disappointment that it is "just a Buzzard" because it is no longer a rarity. I think about how Buzzards are a success story, a species who returned from the brink and I enjoy the spectacle as they paint the wind.

I live in these moments.

I try to believe that walking in the dark only means I can't yet see the path to freedom.