Taexalia

wild.life

Challenging Conversations

Whirlpool

Have you ever noticed that sometimes conversations become toxic and you find yourself coming out the other end not quite knowing what happened?

Imagine that Petunia and I are talking about Lifesavers. She tells me that she thinks Minty Lifesavers are the best ever and I say I disagree and say that I think Gummy Lifesavers are the best ever…

In scenario P, we go on to describe the reasons why we like each one. Petunia might tell me she likes the freshness and she doesn’t like the way gummy ones get stuck in her teeth. I might say that the minty ones make me sneeze and I prefer the variety of flavours I get in a bag of Gummies. We might even go and buy a couple of bags and try out each other’s preference to check that we really do still have the same firm favourite. It’s a good discussion and the differences don’t matter.

Then there is scenario N… Imagine that Petunia and I are talking about Lifesavers. She tells me that she thinks Minty Lifesavers are the best ever and I say I disagree and say that I think Gummy Lifesavers are the best ever…

As soon as Petunia hears my disagreement she gets defensive. She interprets the fact that I disagree as saying she should not like Minty Lifesavers. She has difficulty hearing my difference as just difference, or that I might have fair reasons for liking Gummies…

She becomes invested in holding up her right to like Minty Lifesavers and prove me wrong and the discussion moves to a different level. She might point out that all her friends like Minty Lifesavers so she can’t be wrong, and if I am not confident in my own tastebuds then that might be enough to make me concede.

If I don’t concede she might try to force me to agree by making it personal. She tells me I’m just saying I like Gummy Lifesavers because I failed my exam last week. It’s a leg trap. She may know that test caused me pain and she is using it to try and unsettle me. My failure of the test has little to do with my liking of Gummy Lifesavers, unless I failed the test because I was too busy chewing on them. But Petunia has begun to detach from the discussion about Lifesavers and has moved into the territory of power-play...

If I React to her and allow myself to get caught in her leg-trap then the Lifesavers are soon forgotten and I’m giving away my power – I’m hurting because she has a hot poker to prod me with.

It’s a deflection technique which may be conscious or subconscious, but it’s use serves to remove the discomfort of the disagreement and to regain power by yanking my chain.

If I am not drawn into the drama and I try to stay with the point about Lifesavers, Petunia becomes more frustrated and starts getting more personal. It’s now not just about the test I failed last week, it’s about who I am…. Petunia defines me in a negative way and begins trawling through history looking for chinks in my armour and ways to knock me down.

Now she’s hurting me and I have the choice to respond in kind and start poking her with the fact that her boyfriend dumped her last week…. Instead Gummy Lifesavers. I might point out to her that her behaviour is unfair. She won’t like it but it’s OK to tell someone when they are crossing the line.

That’s usually about the time the Victim role is assumed and how she is never right and her feelings don’t count and that it’s all my fault. I’m to blame for her behaviour and I deserved it because I’ve always been such a horrible person.

The learning curve is being able to spot the leg-traps before they snap shut and I find myself being manipulated into a destructive dance. It’s also about knowing when it’s time to walk away from the mudslinging and buy myself another bag of Lifesavers.

If you have read this far - please remember that I am 3000 miles away from the nearest Lifesavers retailer and I miss them terribly.